i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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