i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
