Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
