Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
