the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
