I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
