did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize