you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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