shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
someone owes me an orgasm
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
