I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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