sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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