Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
