There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
did i just pee glitter
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
