now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Who put my cat in the fridge?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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