idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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