The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
