just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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