i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
