McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
