I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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