if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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