you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
