no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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