Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
