I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize