I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
