chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
