Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
