The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
