your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
