he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
