just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
