I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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