Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
