so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
