and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
