hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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