It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
