She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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