I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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