I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
