So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
