wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
