At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
