watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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