he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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