What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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