Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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