I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
