dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
