I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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