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• (301): View more from Maryland

  My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"

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• (206): View more from Washington

  Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.

  (360): View more from Washington

  You're getting good at this, you know that?

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• (416): View more from Ontario

  So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.

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• (479): View more from Arkansas

  He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.

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• (949): View more from California

  Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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• (214): View more from Texas

  ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.

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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.

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• (218): View more from Minnesota

  Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.

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• (305): View more from Florida

  I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester

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• (210): View more from Texas

  You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  That's a beautiful sentiment.

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• (907): View more from Alaska

  Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?

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• (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.

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• (720): View more from Colorado

  I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it

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