I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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