I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
