im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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