How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I could fuck to npr.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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