You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
