I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
