Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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