The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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