you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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