If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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