I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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