Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
