i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize