when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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